What do to when you, the parent, is sick:
It is very hard for people to truly understand what it is like to face cancer or a serious illness when you have young children. Though your parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles may have been or even be sick, it is a completely different beast when you have babies, toddlers, and school aged children to take care of.
We sought the support of grief therapists, social works, psychologists, and psychiatrists. Get help from the experts! There is no need to reinvent the wheel!
Many good intentions can feel not only unhelpful, but even unkind. You are not alone in feeling this. Your point person can add some of this to their email updates.
How to tell your children
After talking to many therapists and social workers, we found the best course of action was to tell your children what was going on by using the correct words (cancer, tumor, chemo, etc.) in age appropriate language.
For example, “Mommy has cancer. They are a lot of kinds of cancer, like there are lots of kinds of tummy bugs. Some are very bad and some aren’t so bad. Sometimes when someone is very, very old, they can die from cancer. Luckily, mommy is very healthy, very strong, and isn’t old. We have the very best doctors in the world. They are going to take the sick part out and give her strong medicine called chemotherapy to make her better. She will be very tired when she gets the medicine, but the amazing doctors are going to work very hard to help her get better and heal.”
Use the words that scare you
You cannot hide cancer, so don't try to or lie to them about it.
When you use words like cancer, chemo, and even die, they will be prepared for when they inevitably hear it on the playground or overhear it a soccer game and won’t freak out. Both adults and children will say peculiar and scary things to your children (not out of malice, but out of foolishness).
You will be more upset and worried about this conversation than they will be – taboo topics for adults are not taboo for them.
They will know that old people can die from cancer, but will believe what you have told them - that you will work your hardest to get better.
They will trust you and know that you are telling them the truth. If you don’t use those words, they won’t know what to think when they hear it from friends and may not trust what you tell them.
So many gifts
Try to limit the number of gifts random strangers and even friends bring for your children. In the beginning it can be helpful, as they will keep the kids occupied, but after awhile it gets strange and affects the kids.
Playdates
People will want to take your kids on playdates, have them sleepover, and generally get them out of the house, which can be incredibly helpful!
Just remember that kids will also want to be home the same amount they are normally. Keeping things as normal and consistent as possible will help them feel safe.
Outside help
Make sure your children have a therapist or counselor to speak with. Doing so will NOT make them more nervous or upset, rather, they will feel safer because they have support. Most therapy with young children is play based, so they don't even realize they are seeing a therapist or counselor.
School
Your children’s teachers, coaches, and school administrators all need to be told what is going on. They will be able to help and support your kids – do not leave them in the dark.